What the hell am I doing with my life???

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My birthday looms right around the corner, but if I’m being totally honest, for the last few years, my big day carries a fair amount of anxiety with it. Naturally, the obvious question is why is someone on the precipice of 23 experiencing anxiety about age. It’s not really age, so much as limited possibilities. Every birthday signifies a slew of things that I will never be. When I was 12, I wanted to be a writer, lawyer and President of the United States. And at age 12, those are all actually distinct possibilities. Jump ahead 10 years, my chances are vastly diminished. Another candle on my b-day cake screams at me that the possibilities are no longer endless, in fact they are quite finite and lead me to ask three heavy questions.

What am I doing with my life?
What do I really want from my life?
Does the answer to 1 eventually lead to the answer to 2?
So, my answers, 1. I’m living abroad, traveling every chance I get and truly experiencing another culture. But at the same time, I’m also just biding my time working a job that doesn’t carry any long term potential for me. Mostly it’s easy, but there are those rare times when a four year-old sneezes, hurling a snot rocket at your leg when you really evaluate your decisions. When you are scraping phlem off your bare leg as it oozes underneath your stalkings, paying school loans to deal with this type of stuff seems like a cruel joke.

2. What do I really want from my life?
I’ve mulled this question over very seriously for the past week, but even before that I’ve been examining an answer. I understand now, that more than likely, no job will ever satisfy me. I don’t work for fulfillment, I work for a paycheck. All I want from life is to travel freely and be dressed fabulously as I do it. If I design the outfits, that’s just all the more.

3. Does 1 lead to 2?
I travel constantly. And I attempt to look just a little closer to fabulous every time. But in my mind, my travels are minor league and I’m just itching to go pro. How does one get there? Suppose I have a whole ‘nother year to figure it out. Hhmph. Happy birthday to me. 😳

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0 replies
  1. Kara
    Kara says:

    You’re doing amazing things with your life. I know people (probably people we mutually know) who aren’t doing anything with their life – they are living at home, working retail, no other goals in sight.

    I envy what you’re doing, and I’m hoping to get to Japan myself (after I complete a very expensive masters degree!).

    Reply

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